Grandpa’s adventures as 2nd
grade soccer coach
Uh-oh, I could see what was coming, at
last night's soccer coach meeting I was told I had to log onto an "easy to
use" software tool to see who was on Siena's team. Having dealt with
corporate software tools designed by diabolical sadists (SAP, TFS, PWA, might
as well add OMG and WTF), I have developed a zero tolerance attitude toward
unexpected results. Sure enough, when I logged in I was told that I did not
have a team, and would I like to create one? How can I create one if I do not
know who is on the team? Wifey had to restrain me from body-slamming the
computer. Somebody pour a bucket of cold water on me.
first day of soccer practice as my being
coach for Siena's soccer team, expecting everyone to digest all my words of
wisdom with great reverence, not so much, I ask one player what is your name
and he says fart-head, I ask all to get in line for a drill and instead they
scattered to the 4 winds, I say to another to do the drill and she says NO I
don't want to, I feel like Rodney Dangerfield, but fortunately my son Mike, who
I coached 30 years ago, took charge and somehow made it fun for the kids,
should be an interesting season. As Rodney says, I tell ya, I don't get no
respect, but I don't care as long as the kids have fun.
Today was Siena's first soccer game and
we were feeling confident after having a good practice thanks to the new
whistle Debbie bought me which blew their ears off, then during the game our
highly disciplined players on the bench were slapping me on the rump and when I
turned around they pointed fingers at each other. Everyone wanted to play
either goalie or forward, nobody wanted to play defense as evidenced by their
standing with their arms folded while the buffalo herd thundered past them.
Coach Mike had his hands full keeping order, one time he asked me if the score
was still 3-0 and I told him it was 9-0, oh well, 2 positives here, we have
some upside, and at least the kids had fun.
To those who are anxiously awaiting the
results of Siena's 2nd soccer game, to make a long story short, we snatched
defeat from the jaws of victory, largely due to our defense, instead of
standing with arms folded, this time they stood at attention and saluted as the
buffalo herd went thundering by, and I did not get any rump slaps from the
bench, some say much to my disappointment, but hey we scored 4 goals and the energy
level was really good, looking for our first win next week.
Siena's 3rd soccer game report - In
search of our first win, to reach the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable
foe, to strive where there's no more to give, to go where the brave will not
go, to fight with your last ounce of courage, this is our quest, to follow that
star, no matter how hopeless, no matter how far (note from the Editor: jeez Joe
isn't that a bit melodramatic? Answer: of course, that's what I do). Bad news,
we scored one less goal than we did last week. Good news, our goalies made
several spectacular saves, and our defense turned the buffalo herd around in
the other direction, and when the dust had cleared, Belgium 3, France 2. Hinky
dinky parley voo (it rhymes).
Siena's soccer team had the misfortune of
playing undefeated first place jolly old England, pip pip cheerio and all that
rot. After their pregame appetizer of tea and crumpets, those blokes used us as
the main course as they chewed us up, spit us out, stomped on us, buried us,
and dug us up again so they could stomp on us some more. After the game they
raised steins of mead and sang god save the queen, then got on their motorcycles
and did wheelies out of the parking lot. I exaggerate a little just to show how
I felt. Maybe we should try some tea and crumpets too, and keep a stiff upper
lip and carry on. Tomorrow is another day. Cheers!
At Siena’s weekly bizarre soccer
practice, 2 of our best players were on vacation, another did not show due to
an injury, one kid was crying cuz he did not see his mommy on the sidelines,
another kid was crying cuz another player was being mean to him, then I had to
do the “animal” drill where I have to make a sound like the animal of choice if
a player hits me with a shot. Moo, cluck, roar, arf, meow, growl, baaa, naaay, oink,
etc., so much for dignity. During scrimmage, one player scored on the wrong
goal and then celebrated like we just won the world cup. Then one goalie was
just laying down while the other team attacked but shot wide. Another kid
decided to cast aside the yellow practice jersey and join the other squad
without permission. Then on game day, much to my consternation, we actually put
a whoopin on our opponents. Go figure!
Soccer bleu!
Mademoiselle Siena’s opponent du jour was Team France, ooh lah lah. We got our first win against them awhile
back, so the little Frenchies were not about to offer us any croissants, hors
d’oeuvers or parfaits. The gendarme blew the whistle, en guarde! Let the group
Minuet begin. Aaaa-lou-etta jaunty alouetta. Both teams exchanged several faux
pas, mostly the overly polite “Garcon-Gaston” bit while going for the ball
(after you m’sieur). I could hear
Inspector Clouseau screaming keeck zee ball, ye foools! While we were still
doing curtsies, the little froggies scored 2 goals, au poupedou. At halftime
coach Mikey gave the Vince Lombardi – Mike Ditka pep talk, and in the 3rd
quarter we played like the crem de la crem, scoring 4 goals, touche’ poosiecats!
Then in the 4th quarter we scored one more time to apply the most
exquisite coup-de-grace. Viva le
Belgium! Au revoir!
Siena’s soccer team was about to play Team England, wearing
red, and we were wearing blue, thus re-enacting the Revolutionary War. The
photo shows what George Washington and Thomas Jefferson might have looked like
without their white wigs. Our pregame pep talk was very presidential “We The
People of Belgium…oops…”. I could hear Paul Revere riding by and yelling, To
Arms, To Arms, the Redcoats Are Coming! I
was planning to have us re-enact the Boston Tea Party by tossing all the
Redcoat soccer balls into the dumpster, but I chickened out. Team England had previously
re-enacted the battles of Lexington and Bunker Hill by defeating us (see prior
posts). The Redcoats marched onto the pitch in a square formation, wearing pith
helmets, beating drums and shouting Huzzah and Tally Ho. We tried to sing Yankee Doodle Dandy but we were
given the red-X buzzer by Simon Cowell. The skirmish began as we attempted the
Shot Heard Round the World, but their goalie made the save. Then Mother Nature
got into the act, the weather got increasingly cold and windy with sleet like
Valley Forge, if we tried to cross the Delaware our boat would have sunk. Then
the little blokes gave us a withering volley of 4 goals. We patriotically
declared we have not yet begun to fight, and countered with 2 goals, but that
was with only 2 minutes left in the game, so USA did not really lose (we are
Belgium), the game was just too short.
Siena’s soccer team Belgium (B) most recently played a team
named The Dinosaurs (D). Let the trash
talking begin. (B) Hey Barney, it must be hard to play goalie with those stubby
little arms. (D) What we lack in arms,
we make up for with teeth, check out these pearly whites, it takes us over an
hour to floss. (B) Hey Godzilla, I bet
you have never been called for a hand-ball with those stubby little arms. (D)
Right, instead we get called for teeth-balls, we gotta chomp on something.
Stick your right arm into my mouth so we can call you Lefty. (B) Hey Rex, it must be hard for you do a
legal sideline throw-in if your stubby little arms can’t get the ball over your
head. (D) Did you hear the joke about the roof or is that over your head too? (B) Hey Thesaurus, got any new words for us?
(D) Yes, chomp, swallow, and digest. You look tasty, let’s do lunch after the
game. (B) Hey Snuffleupagus, does
Jurassic Park have a playground with swings and slides? (D) No, but we do have a boneyard for
leftovers, wanna see? (this is me) at this point we had to admit they won the
trash-talking debate, which made us a bit dino-phobic, thus we decided not ask
them why they are still in 2nd grade after a million years of
flunking. Nor did we ask them if they are herbiferous or carnivorous, we
already knew the answer since they have invited us to, or as lunch. Since we
did not wish to become dino-chow, instead we let them win, and after having a
brief Kumbaya shaking hands with their stubby little arms, we got the heck out
of there ahead of their snapping jaws and stood them up on their lunch date. In
closing, since our last 2 games will be against the froggies and the blokes, and
we have already insulted both of them as much as possible (see prior posts), so
there is not much more to say about either of them, so this will be the last
soccer post, I hope all this nonsense has at least provided a few laughs. Have
a good off-season.
